Friday, March 2, 2012

~ In My Darkest Hour ~

This past week has been somewhat of a trying one. We were told we had a week to find a new place to live. I don't see how that is legal at all, but trying to keep our testimony as Christians, I'm not going to fight it. My husband has been at his new job for two weeks now, but money has been tight to say the least. I do not like to owe money, and I would rather be ahead in payments than pay on the due date. I've always been good at saving money and budgeting, but the cost of living here has been a constant trial. All my life I've known what it was like to not have extra money. I remember times where we ate crackers for dinner because that is all we had. We never starved though. We were never had to live on the streets. God has always provided for us, and even in non pleasant situations, I've never had enough cause to really complain. Someone out there is always worse off than I am. God has blessed me beyond measure, and even at my best I am unworthy of his goodness. I am not writing this blog for you - I'm writing it for myself. There are many things I'm struggling with right now, and finding it hard to have the faith I should.

I walk a mile to school everyday with my Gospel music blaring in my ears. I try to hold back tears when I think of the trials I'm going through, how God is going to fix them, and at the same time feeling ashamed for not trusting him the way I should. I feel like one of the Israelites coming out of Egypt. No matter what God does for me, I seem to forget that he actually does care. I complain and feel sorry for myself, and then, out of the blue, God blesses me when I deserve it least. It's like a slap in the face. Last night was one of those times. One of the things I've been stressing about is my child that is due in a little over three months. I have nothing at all for a baby - not even a onesie. Our budget is stretched passed it's limit already, and I don't know anyone here well enough to get the baby shower I might have if I was back in Alaska. That - amongst a million other things - has had me close to my breaking point all week. Last night, as I was eating dinner, I got a call from an unknown number. The lady on the other end asked me if she would be able to stop by friday night or saturday morning with some baby things. I was overjoyed and told her that would be great. She said she felt bad because I might have to repaint the crip so it will look like new, and that she still hasn't gotten to the baby boy clothes in her storage yet, so she wouldn't be able to bring them right away. As I'm about to cry over such an incredible unexpected blessing, she adds that she will have to make several trips with her truck because she has much more than she originaly thought she did. She was so thankful that I was willing to take it off her hands so that she did not have to keep the storage unit. At this point I want to slap myself for ever doubting Gods goodness. I also want to give the lady a huge hug and tell her she has no idea what a blessing she is. Turns out, God can provide for us when we have no way of fixing the problems ourself. I guess it's his way of showing us HE is in control. No matter what anyone says, serving God pays better than anything on earth.